The Barney Incident

Hey jeez Dr.Whoopee here to turn you on to another fractured fairy tale!

I used to know a friend who had a 3 year old son. One day he calls me to ask if I would don a Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur costume and act as entertainment for his boy and 30 other screaming, loud-ass kids..

The fateful call came and it went a little something like this:

"So Rob, can I depend on you to do it?"
"No."
"Can you be there at 5:30?"
"No."
"That's great! How about we just pick you up. Ok?"
"No."
"Fantastic! I'm so glad you could do it!
"No." (click)

Well, I finally caved in and said I would do it. They had me get in costume, which was king hell hot in the middle of August. Anyway, I started by goofing around with all of the kids. Some of the little dickheads took to punching me in the kidneys, while one seemed to be focused on my crotch. I had to dodge his attacks by giving him a couple of wacks in the puss with a Wiffle bat. It was time I thought, for a beer. I hid behind a truck and sucked down a Beck's in seconds flat.

Anybody who knows me knows I'm a vegetarian, so my friends wife thought it would be funny to try and feed Barney a hot dog ha ha. She stuck it through the mouth-hole and I started flapping around and squirming trying to flush this thing out of the costume to no avail. Oh great, I have to finish the gig with a greasy piece of beef wedged between my legs.

I ended up snapping and biting the head off of one of the kids, causing some people to faint while others looked on in horror. Fuck'em. Serves them right for sticking a weenie into my costume! Nah, that part never really happened. But wouldn't it have been a total gas if I did it?



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