Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dr.Whoopee ... always try before you buy


news briefs: I'm going to close out the computer destruction contest on Thursday, the 14th and announce the winner. Response wasn't as great as I had hoped but that's ok, time to adapt and move on. Converting to a vegetarian lifestyle is a lot harder than I expected, but I plan to stick with it. Time to shop for a new digital camera; champagne taste on a beer budget is a factor. Now on to the crux of this biscuit:

Woman Are Smarter Than Men

I've known that to be true for years now, but sometimes I forget and it always leads to trouble. Over the weekend my girlfriend and I made our customary pilgrimage to mecca: Lowe's Home Improvement Warehouse. She headed to flooring while I went to lighting for a new glass globe for our porch light. Not really a big deal, as I enjoy wandering the aisles and gazing at the various tools, ladders and other gizmos and I would have gone there anyway, broken light or not. Now the globe on the light is one of those fresnel (sp?) lens type of things; it kind of looks like miniature lighthouse glass, designed to spread and amplify the light. I found it quickly, but as I picked it up my mind became a whirlwind of thought. Wow, these things would make a knock-out nautical style drinking glass. Why hasn't anyone else come up with this idea? I could order them in various colors, you know, red and green like lights on a buoy...maybe pay 80 cents each for them and set up a website to sell 'em for $10, set of four. Yes, I could just see it so clearly...being summoned to the poopdeck on Blackbeard's pirate ship, where I was toasted by the man himself: "Avast me hardy's! Aaar! Let's all drink a toast to me first mate Dr.Whoopee, who with the heart of a whale and the courage of Neptune, brought us these fine drinking vessels to slake our thirst by! Aaar! He returns the favor by giving me a cask of high-octane grog and his own personal wench for the night. I retire to my deluxe cabin as the crew stays on deck and sings pirate songs written just for me... Wait, even better, I'm plying the waters off of Cape Cod in my racing yacht, The Merry Tycoon. I'm looking sharp- dressed in my blue blazer, red ascot and captains hat. (tilted at a jaunty angle, for effect) I've got Donald Trump ondoard acting as ship's servant. Bill Gates gets inquisitive as The Donald serves up a snack of beluga caviar on little toast points. "Tell me, Whoopee old boy, how do you find time for sailing when you are the nautical drinking glass czar of the world?" "It's easy, Bill" I say. "I let somebody else run the company, while I rake in the cash and become oblivious to the needs of the customer. Just like you with Microsoft! HA HA HA HA!"

Suddenly, my dream bubble is popped when my girlfriend finds me and asks "What are you doing with nine of those globes in the basket?" I explain about the idea and the internet and the money and the pirates and Bill Gates and..."You realize that you're an idiot, right? Nobody is going to drink from those things, much less buy them, dumbass. They won't work." Well, I have a clinker idea from time to time but I was sure this wasn't one of those times. I bought one globe for the light and eight "glasses". We got home and I could hardly conceal my excitement as poured an icy beverage into my beloved nautical glass. I brought it to my parched lips and drank deeply, and icy beverage dribbled all over my shirt, because there's little bumps around the brim that make it impossible to get a good seal. To make things worse, condensation builds up in the glass ribs around the thing, and that too flings off and gets you wet every time you tip it. My girlfriend has that classic look on her face- no need for words, as I already hear "Hello, MORON!" bouncing around in my knobby skull. Now I'm stuck with more dribble glasses than I'll need in a lifetime, and I'm back aboard Blackbeard's pirate ship. Only this time I'm walking the plank and my girlfriend is poking me in the ass with a very sharp sword. "YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF BUH-BYE, SHITHEAD! AAAR!

4 comments:

Irish Gumbo said...

You forgot to drink from the side of the glass closest to you again, didn't you? Practice, my lad, practice.

Yarr! You should hook up with Captain Dumbass, he's got a good pirate flag thingy on his blog. Oh, and grilled cheese men!

Anonymous said...

sounded like a great idea
to me. but what the hell
do i know.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

You had me at, "Women are Smarter than Men." I just hope I can wipe this orgasmic grin off my face before my husband comes home. That doesnt happen nearly often enough.

Oh and its Iris Gumbo's fault I found your blog.

Irish Gumbo said...

HeeHee. I'm sneaky that way.